


What the Mind Forgets

by MagicRobot



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 19:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11835582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicRobot/pseuds/MagicRobot
Summary: When Magnus meets Taako, he feels he knows him.





	What the Mind Forgets

**Author's Note:**

> So I love that AU where Magnus and Taako were boyfriends during the IPRE days,

There's something familiar about the elf in front of him. Something intangible that Magnus can't find a word for. Like from a dream that he knows he's never had.

When they first meet, he is wrapped in a ratty cloak, clutching at it like it held the last shreds of his dignity. He doesn't meet Magnus’ eye when he introduces himself, but Magnus is still caught up in his beauty - all dark red hair and equally dark brown skin. It's just a passing, cosmetic thought, however, because his cold, unfriendly demeanor does nothing to enchant Magnus.

“I'm Taako,” he says coolly, not bothering to look Magnus in the eye.

\--

The first time they're in the Bureau of Balance together, Magnus feels a definite shift in their relationship. The type that comes with surviving, and most importantly, the kind that comes with uniting under a single banner. Magnus is the type to easily find companionship with other people, so perhaps it was just him. He feels a unique kinship with Taako and Merle, one that triggers his protective instincts and tempts him to consider them friends.

He learns a lot about both Taako and Merle during their first adventure. He finds that he likes Taako. Surprising, considering their first meeting. He likes Merle, too, but it's different. Maybe it's because Merle is older, or prone to weird diatribes, or a myriad of other reasons, but he finds that he enjoys Taako’s personality a bit more. He's still cold and aloof, traits that normally turn Magnus off, but there's just something about him that draws him in. It's like trying to figure out the most difficult puzzle ever. Magnus isn't fond of puzzles, but he is nothing if not determined.

\--

In Lucas’ labs, Magnus thinks about Julia. It's the first time he feels truly afraid while on a mission, when the grip of death feels like it's nipping at his heels. He wonders if she's doing okay in the afterlife, if she's lonely or if loneliness was even something you could feel when you're dead. Mostly, he thinks about what she would be doing if she was alive, what they would be doing together. He wonders if she was with him when he met Merle and Taako, if she would have joined him on his adventures or if he would even have any desire to go in the first place.

Magnus isn't afraid of death. Death is a warm embrace, death is where he can see Julia again, the only thing that matters to him anymore. In another life, he might have actively sought it out. But this life is the one he's leading now and he knows that not only would Julia be disappointed with him, but that he would be leaving his friends behind. His friends need him, his friends need his protection.

Taako needs his protection. Taako who is all at once powerful and fragile. Taako, who is slowly warming up to him, a great treasure that Magnus takes as the greatest gift ever. He desperately wants to protect that, to protect him. He can't really describe his feelings toward Taako, but he knows that it's unlike anything since Julia died. He wants to preserve it.

\--

In the days before Refuge, Magnus cannot sleep. He's found himself in this predicament before, nightmares about burning villages and Julia’s screaming face haunting his subconscious. It's different this time, though, because it doesn’t come from being stressed. It comes from his complicated thoughts about Taako, how they teeter on the edge of being just friendly to something more.

He's had these feelings before, but seeing death and, actual Death, in person in Lucas’ lab has him stuck on Julia more than he normally is. Julia is dead, he knows that. But now he also knows what death is like and he wonders if Julia is still watching him, if he was betraying her by loving another. 

He walks around the perimeter of the courtyard of the Bureau and loses himself in thought. He thinks about Julia, about death, and about Taako. He does this for several nights in a row, organizing his jumbled thoughts into something cohesive. The more he thinks about Taako, the less he feels like a traitor toward Julia. There's something that feels inherently right about what he feels, something that's unique between the two of them that he can't deny.

Somehow, he knows that Julia wouldn't mind.

\--

After Refuge, Magnus finds sleep almost impossible. It's hard to enjoy the feeling when your mind is slowing digesting such a new revelation. Him, a Red Robe? A possible enemy? It is hard to fathom, and on top of the ripping of old wounds, courtesy of June, he finds himself in an existential crisis like no other.

He knows that he isn't the only one. On nights when he wanders the courtyard, Taako is always there. Elves have no need for sleep, but Taako also values his downtime and loves to meditate whenever he can. Magnus knows that that is very rare. On nights where Magnus was restless while on the road, Taako was usually also up, close to the fire and wide-eyed, carefully dodging any questions that Magnus asked about his mental state. 

On the first night, Magnus finds him standing in the center of the square, staring off into nothing. Magnus doesn't ask him any questions, simply coaxes him into walking with him through the grass. On the second, Taako is already walking and gives Magnus a small smile when he falls into step beside him. On the third, Taako turns to him and says, “thanks, Mango,” just before they decide to turn in.

Magnus knows that he doesn't feel the same way about Taako as he did for Julia. But he knows that he loves him just as fiercely. It helps ground him on the days when the world feels too much.

\--

No amount of training could prepare him for the feeling of dying. It's uncomfortable and at the same time, it lacks any sort of sensation at all. He finds himself floating toward the Astral tear with peace on his mind, even as the black tar-like substance that has invaded the plane would normally fill him with dread. He thinks about Julia as he dies, about seeing her again. And he also thinks about Taako, about how he wouldn't see him for a very long time and he nearly chokes.

Then, Taako is there. Taako is there with him. Magnus feels guilty at first, thinking that he is dying too - he wasn't there to protect him like he quietly promised to. But there is something different about Taako, something more fierce and determined and he clutches his ankle like a lifeline.

Taako is very much alive, and the portal in front of Magnus doesn't seem to care as it begins to now suck both of them in. Magnus feels a spark of life in him now, striving to fight the portal. Taako claws at him desperately, his eyes wild while he fruitlessly tries to tether Magnus to his body. 

It's all over quickly, Merle coming along just in time to stop the struggle.

\--

In an instant, Magnus wishes that Taako and Merle would have let him die. When he sees his body being occupied by Edward, the man who tried to kill him, the man who now welds his body like clothing, he is insulted. When he finds himself occupying the remains of a mannequin, he nearly loses it. He feels useless in the final battle, no longer the protector, but someone who was only so far away from being kindle.

He's not used to feeling this vulnerable. He hates it. His job is to be on the front lines, he is meant to be the heavy hitter, the one who absorbs the blows so the people he loves could be safe. He is nervous and scared and for the first time in his life, he feels very, very small. All he wishes for is for this battle to be over with so they could figure out a way for him to get him back into his true form.

He nearly screams when he watches his body - his beautiful, big, useful body - vanish.

\--

On the trip to Barry’s base camp, Magnus feels depressed. He starts unconsciously picking at the loose wooden shavings littered on his new body. A twisted part of himself believes that he could whittle himself human again. At the very least, he prays that the motions will cause some sort of feeling in his otherwise unfeeling form.

He's never felt this hopeless in his entire life. The thought of being stuck in a such an ungainly frame for the rest of his life repulses him. It goes against everything he was born to do, went against his very humanity. He feels truly alien, like he doesn't deserve to exist.

The thing that grounds him is Taako, who sticks close to him and calmly clutches at his hand when his hands get particularly violent. 

\--

He's elated when he finds his body. It fills him with such a sense of excitement that he doesn't bother to think about the implications. About why this body was here, about what will happen when he activates it. All he cares about is fighting - fighting against the growing evil that threatens everything he cares about.

“If you do this, you'll forget everything.” Taako looks at him with a special sort of guarded sadness. He doesn't do soft emotions. His tone is pragmatic, but Magnus knows what he's really saying.  _ You'll forget all about me. _

Magnus likes to believe that Taako feels the same way about him as he does about Taako, but it's nearly impossible. In that moment, looking into Taako’s sad eyes, he absolutely thinks he does. Instead of commenting on that, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Those are the arms that held my wife!”

Taako stares at him, unflinching, yet not judging. He understands, but Magnus feels a deep uncomfortable awkwardness. He loves Julia, he always will, but prioritizing her now feels wrong. “I can't do anything, I can't protect, I can't fight, I'm useless.”

Taako’s eyes take on a sort of fire that he rarely sees. He grips the map in his hands tightly. Then he sighs, defeated, letting the tension bleed from his body. He looks like the relaxed Taako that Magnus is used to and it almost scares him. “I understand. I can't stop you. But, please think this through.”

Magnus does. He thinks about his priorities, how even in his wooden form, his body still aches to fulfill its duties. He thinks about forgetting about Taako, how wrong that seems. He thinks about his body in the tank and he makes a decision.

“Leave me a note and the map.”

\--

In the midst of the final battle, Magnus is thrown into memory. Not just one memory, hundreds of them, thousands, even. He's hit with them with such a force that he retches. When his mind can finally catch up to the present, he's filled with a mixture of relief, joy, and anger.

He knows now, why loving Taako felt so natural, that befriending him and Merle came so easy to him. Why he felt so instantly attracted to him. At first, he blamed loneliness, now he knows better. The heart remembers what the mind forgets. He remembers a time of softness between bouts of running away from darkness; stolen moments that would have remained locked away. He's hurt and confused, but when he looks at Taako, he sees the same sort of emotions in his eyes and more.

He sees a deep set of wonder, astonishment, and, most importantly, unbridled affection. The thought of ever forgetting about that look nearly brings Magnus to tears. He wants to apologize, apologize for forgetting about such an amazing creature, but before he can, Taako’s eyes harden to steel and he lifts his umbra staff toward Lucretia.

_ “You fucking took everything from me!” _


End file.
